Freedom

Ok, so this is for me, about me and, well, helping me to process my life….

My life. Big deal you might say, with a sarcastic twist. Of course you would.

We all have a life and we all have things to process and to learn and grow from.

I find myself in a place I NEVER thought I would be in. Never.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not committing any crimes or even doing anything slightly illegal. I guess where I find myself, is in the same place that I have judged people about. It was so easy to see people as making bad choices or weak when I indeed hadn’t even experienced anything close to what I thought I saw them experiencing and judged them for it.

So, my daughter pointed out to me several years ago that she thought I was judgmental. I didn’t want to believe it or accept it.

Actually, at the time my daughter told me I was “judgmental”, my real thought was, “huh, I wonder what she is seeing, after all, she is almost 17.”

And, quite honestly, I also thought, “Me? Judgmental? Really? No.

Cautious about my life? Yes. Strong? Absolutely!” I thought I was so strong and able and not judgmental.

Here it is, however. Right in my face. Today I have truly found myself in a place not wanting to be judged. But why? Is it because I want to do my own thing and that I’m a little selfish? Maybe. But what disturbed me the most, is not wanting to hear other people say about me what I indeed have thought, not necessarily said, about others.

Scary.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I don’t go around pointing my finger at others or even think bad about people, really. I’ve thought a lot about this. I truly thought that I had some super human strength that, obviously, some did not possess – can you even believe that? I’m not sure how I have believed it for so long!! I tell my kids often, “look at the bigger picture”, “think ahead”, “do some long-term thinking”, “don’t get caught up in…” but you know what, I am unable to tell myself any of this today; my “super human” strength completely zapped from me – I’m really struggling with this.

I’m trying to do some long-term thinking and some soul-searching; I am really shedding a lot of tears and emotion over this. The reality is, I STILL WANT what it is I WANT. I am struggling with choices that are before me and the biggest thing holding me back is that huge word that I am allowing to be a roadblock – JUDGEMENT.

The question becomes then, and trust me, friends have challenged me with this one in the past year or so, “What are you so afraid of?”

Heavy, right? For me, it’s been a challenge. I’m not gonna lie. Right now, I can say, I’ve lived in fear of judgement and it hits me and it’s because of my own judgement. Wow.

I am excited for this revelation, and cannot wait to see the freedom that comes from realizing how judged I have been and how judging I have become. I’m asking for forgiveness in my life over this issue because, really, I’m no better than anyone else and I’ve done and said plenty of things that others would think are weak. I’m not strong. Maybe, I have areas of strength where others do not, but others are strong where I am finding myself so weak; I am charging myself to celebrate other people’s strengths as well as my own and accept my weakness as an area where I can be used and gain understanding and strength.

Here’s to new found freedom!

#freedom #healthy #selfacceptance